Him as an ADULT vs Her as a VICTIM!

     Words have been said and done yet we often deny the fact how life changes our approach to people when they say something intimate meaning to us. Confusing isn't it? That a certain man we trust with, is the man whom we unexpectedly do or say some stupid things we cant ever imagine. 

     Talking to someone is a very good way of expressing one's frustrations to some people. They often find someone whom they can share, relate and trust with their problems and even some specific issues in their lives. Often times people find someone stranger, like psychologist, psychiatrist or psychotherapist whom they can talk to and would help them lift up in some issues in their lives. It's one of the easiest things people can do. Talk, be guided, leave in the office, take with them some guidance they've heard and forget. Easy right? But some people doesn't like the idea of meeting someone professional like psychologists because they think that one may have a psychological problem and that person may possibly stay in a specific rehabilitation center. That's mostly half of the people's idea in seeking guidance into someone professional. 

     One common thing that usually happens is when an adult man gets to be very comfortable talking to a woman younger than him or maybe a woman on his age. Some cases, are most likely a foster father into approach with his foster daughter. It could be an uncle to his niece or worst case scenario a father to his daughter and a brother to his sister. It may be not a good topic to talk but its happening. Keeping comfortable to someone feels really great but sometimes it is taken in advantage. One part of someone says NOT to be so comfortable and the other part says doesn't matter because it's IMPOSSIBLE to happen. But some impossible things are taken for granted that isn't healthy after all. Impossible things could lead to intense fear, repeated and distressing recollections of the event, frightening dreams, avoidance of anything that may trigger a flashback including not talking about the attack itself, denial, depression, isolation and even sleepless nights. These may happen whenever that taken for granted IMPOSSIBLE THING will happen. These post traumatic reactions may appear in some cases like verbally and emotionally abused. 

     Some collections of research I've done about this topic are the following statistics in United Nations, it showed to be like more than 250,000 cases of rape or attempted rape were recorded by the police annually. The reported date covered between  65 countries. In England's recent research estimates between 75-95 percent of rape crimes are never reported to the police. Yes! indeed you've read it. Unreported cases or rape crimes is all over the world. Such worst scenarios are like younger kids being raped up until they get  to be an adult. 

     Lastly, people who suffered from these traumas may similarly shuts down feeling in order to do whatever it takes to survive.We can also do our job and help other's survive. This is what we call reality based survival skill. Numbness is the answer. It is effective and it will help someone live normally for the rest of her life. 

"DABDA? SUCH WORDS NOT TO BE AFRAID OF!"

       I started looking for a better relationship but when i got the chance to find the perfect guy for me i keep on reminding myself not to totally fall in love, for i know the fact that i'll still be again the only one left alone and him? I think he wont be that FOREVER GUY whom i am waiting. 

       So many articles of mine and maybe not only mine addressing about those people who's constantly waiting for the love they wanted to have, but still they were unsuccessful, far from the truth and still unhappy. Sadly, i am part of them and that I felt the same with how they suffer from denial, anger, bargaining,depression and i am not sure if they've ever experience the word ACCEPTANCE.

        Life itself is like a bus tire. It's always rolls up and down whenever it's running. What's good thing about it, is that it will help us roll away from those problems we are carrying to. We feel sad and disappointed when we are in our lowest and we are happy and satisfied when we are in our highest. Bus tires let's us explore the unended roads we need to find out in this world. Such the same thought comes up when we try to explore and find out how strong and dedicated we are to push harder to the top just to prove how high can we get when we reach our goals.

     Love? You can always deny it after what happened. Getting angry? You can always blame yourself for what happened. Bargaining? Just sell out yourself until he/she could recognize you even if you already knew what will be the ending. Depression? Hmm.. Cry, eat, sleep, get drunk, isolize yourself, take some pills, kill yourself, jump on a mountain or on a building, cut yourself, and survive. You can choose what you wanted to be or to happen. Instead of doing those things why cant you just explore the word ACCEPTANCE and just let your life roll into its lowest and even to its deepest that it could go through and then try to back it up with some realizations that life could possibly reach up into the opposite that you've got right down there. Reach up to where you can see the goals that you are trying to pick up ever since you were a kid. When you were still a sperm trying to find someone to meet up just to live and survive the life that you are into. So then, you realize how hard you've been through even if you weren't born yet. That you are born to be a fighter and not to be a loser and to just waste your life with nothing is such a bad idea. Think of how hard it was to pass through those challenges even in a generation where you aren't even a day older. Think of how precious your life before or even now and surely in the near future. That what you have right now is too much than you wish for. What's lacking is the word appreciation.

      Let me help you change the meaning of the first four letters of  the popular theory of Elisabeth Kubler-Ross DABDA into a positive way. Instead of DENIAL let's make it DEVOTION. You as a person should devote your problem and continue to the next step which not to be ANGRY with yourself but to APPRECIATE your problem, that it's just a normal and usual challenge you are into and of course the second to the last word, that is not to be DEPRESSED but to DECIDE what to do with that certain problem and next is to ACCEPT that life is just a rolling tire. It rolls up and down and it stops sometimes but never gives up. Always on its goal and that is to ROLL and ROLL to find and explore for more challenges and to reach out excellent goals. Whatever your goals will be. It'll surely be one hell of a big bomb SUCCESS!

Searching for Mr. Right Chapter 2

      Another story had come up in my silly mind this time.I made this story from 4:35 pm until 6:34 pm. I hope you'll enjoy it guys!

      I was 20 years old that I decided to transfer in a dorm and about to graduate in college when I met Chris which one year older than me. He was one of my dorm mate about 3 doors away from my room and me staying in the 2nd to the last room in that building with the nearest gay dormmate named Gelo whom we shared one comfort room. Gelo was very annoying, shouts and loughs out loud every time he wants, he's our alarm clock and YES we expect that every morning which we are all aware of, he along with our other dorm mates plays online game and go to party almost every night and then goes back home around 4 or 5 in the morning. The gate's locked up around 12 midnight so you expect them to roam around the city 

rather than sleep beside the road. 

      My first morning in that dorm, I was shocked and horrifed with what I noticed. One big voice calling may name and not just knocking at my door but seriously bangging it! I couldn't recognize the voice and I hurriedly turned the switch on then open the door nicely. I was a lil bit dizzy that time so I couldn't see him. He's got a big tummy, lordotic in posture, curly hair and big eyes! He raised his voice saying "Akeena!!! wake up its time to shower, prepare your things, eat your breakfast and go to school". I felt like its was my mother but I realized when after he commanded me, he said I should be expecting that every morning and then he formally introduce his name saying "Im Gelo, I've seen you in school but I never knew your name til I saw your name outside your door". Looking at him seems awkward for I am still new in that dorm but I felt like im home knowing that I had the same situation like what I had in our own house when I was still in High School. 

      The night after school, I've met all my dormmates and started to feel like I'm one of them and known them for years. I saw familiar faces coz some of them are my schoolmates and I also visit that dorm often so i didn't have a hard time knowing them.

      After final exam, we went to a pool and we brought foods for dinner as planned then we went to a club, got drunk, meet new friends, went home in group and got drunk again in the corridor of the dorm. By that time Chris was guarding me from the moment i go to comfort room and he follows back as well, I was thinking maybe he was just trying to be nice to me and dont wanna let anyone blocks my way or maybe hurt or grab me while im walking in a crowded place like the club but couldn't he stop chasing after me when were already in the dorm coz we were like 20 people there and thats not i think a crowded place per se, that i realized that he's drunk enough to do that and he's not too aware of what he's doing . So, I stepped back and suddenly  stays away from the group and leave them. Me? secretly hiding in my room like a stealer being hunted by cops without giving them an idea. 

      Around 2am was about to finish brushing my teeth and taking a bath somebody knocked my door and then I shouted, 

       "Wait! I need to finish brushing my teeth. Who's that?" 

       A man answered, "It's me, okay I'll wait for you they are looking at you coz were going outside again we stole the keys to the gate, you need to hurry"

      Then I answered with my mouth still full of bubbles from the toothpaste "Gelo, I can't go I need to wake up early tomorrow for a morning jog, you guys should go now before our landlady notice us that were all drunk, just leave the keys outside my door. I'll be the one to open you guys later when you get back". 

      He replied, "Okay, you're forgiven tonight but next time you promise that you'll join us".

     So I went out and get the keys after I brushed my teeth and wore my pajamas, everyone was outside I can't hear someone's walking around or talking to anyone. It was so quiet that I can only hear the sounds of the cats playing around the dorm. It's 2:30 am and it was so cold when I hear someone's calling my name like it was whispering. I was so warm and felt that I've got goose bumps all around my body. I was hesitating if I'll open it or not. I can hear it repeatedly calling my name with a very soft and sweet voice seems like in a hurry. I decided to open it, with my heart's pumping so fast. 

      I was shocked, "Chris? is that you? what happened to them?"

      "I didn't to ran away from them, I can't walk that long anymore" he answered.

     I can see that he's too drunk to walk in the middle of the night. He was lying on my bed and when I closed the door and checked him again he was sleeping like a baby. I barely know him but I think I should let him sleep in my bed coz I expect him to sleep. I was so sleepy as well that moment feeling a lil drunk as well so I was also lying on my bed and sleep like there's no one in my room. Around 3 am he's starting to move like he can't sleep, he hugged me like I was his teddy bear and I tried to pull off his shoulder around my body but I couldn't move it. I let it happen considering he was very drunk. Then suddenly he's trying to pull me towards him and starting to feel like i'm his girlfriend when I knew i'm not. I couldn't stop him, I got carried away and let  him kissed me like we were married. It was the first time that a man kissed me and there's a lot that happened unexpectedly that night. 

     The next morning, I woke up without his presence beside me. I was still on denial that there's something happened that night. I couldn't resist thinking about it coz I found myself naked wrapped around with a blanket. So, I decided to take a bath and smoke inside the bathroom, wore my jogging attire and started running like I'm not going back. When I passed his room I feel like I wanna break his door and start to punch him like he's a punching bag but I refused to do that. I ran away, I wanted to stop from running but I just can't. Suddenly,  I saw a friend of mine in the oval and he tried to stop me. He couldn't stop me from running so he pulled me towards him and I felt threatened knowing that the last person who did that to me somebody happened between us. I punched him, feeling like he was Chris, he stopped me from doing that and I realized it wasn't him. 

     "What happened? You don't usually act like this" Adi said.

     "Huh? Nothing happened. I maybe acting strange but you know for sure I used to punch you in school right?" 

     Then he answered " Yes. I know that but this time you are very strange, tell me what happened" 

     So i told him everything, I thought it would be very embarrassing but instead of judging me he extends his support and shared something about Chris. He knows Chris since high school. Adi told me that Chris had a long term girlfriend but it was a far distance relationship. 

     "When Chris, turned 20 years old he got very depressed hearing the news that his girlfriend was pregnant. He couldn't accept that it was his son. He started acting like he's got no responsibility to that poor fetus inside the womb of his girlfriend. He got drunk and sleep with different girls. He's a very secretive person so he choose not to say anything to his dorm mates. I know it because we were in the same province and his mom is my mom's best friends" 

     After what Adi told me, I was thinking maybe Chris needed someone who could comfort him. Someone that will help him decide between right and wrong. Adi then sent me back to the dorm and talked to Chris. Adi noticed that he was not paying attention and that pissed off Adi. He almost punched Chris but I stopped him. Luckily, he listened to me and I started acting like nothing happened the night before. Adi grab me in my room and warned me not to let anybody in on my room. I agreed on him. 

     After that incident, I locked my door and turned off the lights so that my dormmates wouldn't notice that I am inside my room. At 12 midnight, I heard a sound of slippers walking through my door and again banged my door thrice. I opened it up without asking if who was it. I forgot what Adi told me. There I saw Chris, drunk again and wanted to talk with me so I gave him a chance, he was so sorry of what happened that he was drunk and he can't stop himself. I too was sorry about it and I was also drunk that night. I hugged him just to let him know that I've forgiven him. Unexpectedly it happened again for the second time, the third time after four days, the fourth time after a week after and the fifth time a month after. 

     After what happened, semestral break started already so we need to split up. All of my dormmates decided to go home in their provinces and Chris went home realizing how important his son was. He thanked me for everything I  told him. He said I was so lucky He met me. Every time we sleep together, I always talk about his son and girlfriend that time I know he's trying to realize all what he did was wrong and decided to go home for a short vacation. He didn't came back to me after he won't home. I decided to change my number so that he can't contact me anymore. Until now we didn't see each other from the very last time we talked. Chris maybe an engineer now and starting to make his life better with his son and girlfriend. Me? I already graduated that year in college and as of now I've got this dream job which I know i'm happy and contented with. I'm a loving and the most in demand pediatrician in my city treating children with different kinds of rare and common diseases. As of now, still have no plans to go back and visit Philippines. 

"REGRETS" - A Letter to Andrea

      

       Every step of the way we always wanted to get something out of our plans and the way we handle it is kinda creepy sometimes. We wanted to make our lives memorable, we wanna be contented in some other ways, we live life to the fullest, we gave everything we can, we express what we think is right and wrong, we gave up everything that we can imagine, we speak to what we believe, we listen to every conversations and we tried to understand them, we follow such rules and regulations just to be as disciplined as what they want us to be. But the BIG question is how come we still have these REGRETS in our lives?

       I've known a man whom I let myself fall in love with. I let myself get crazy and think about him badly. I know this is just a common feeling with the same women who's reassuredly in love--

      I shouldn't have met him, treat him on a dinner date, get to know him while we were eating, I shouldn't have asked him about some personal questions,shouldn't have laugh at him, kissed him like he's my real boyfriend, or maybe let her kissed me, I shouldn't have gave him a massage when he needed to, shouldn't have sang him my favorite song, watched with him in a movie house with a scary film, ride in his car and let him hold my hand while he's using the other hand to drive or maybe kissed my hand before he holds it, shouldn't have another dinner date with him in a japanese restaurant, I shouldn't let him send me home late at night, follows his instruction to send him a message on his phone that I am already home or send him a message saying how happy I am when im with him and that he should always take care for us to have the chance to see each other again and remind him almost all of the text messages that I always love him even if I know for sure that we won't be together like we wanted to be. 

      All of which what happened would never happen if I let him. I keep tracking those memories of us together and tried to teach myself to forget about them. Now, im blaming myself for what had happened and i know for sure this isn't right but a normal feeling a person would experience if he/she's suffering from grieving. For all this time, I've felt like my hormones dopamine and serotonin are dragging each other down to the level that I can't feel anymore the happiness that I've felt when I am with him. 

      I made this article because i feel like im so pathetic walking alone on the streets and practicing again the life of being alone. I don't wanna fall in love again this time coz im afraid to be hurt and making this article would make me feel like im completely gaining respect, comfort and people who wanted to help me for at least they would hear my side and they could give me a lil bit of support that I badly need right at this moment. Whatever your comments may be would be very much acceptable. Thank you and Godbless us all. 

Searching for Mr. Right Chapter 1 (PART 2)

      The next day, Andrea couldn't sleep because she really needs to clarify something with Jo. So, she texted Jo and trying to set up a date or time when will they meet. But Jo couldn't make it coz he was with his friends and boss, then Andrea decided to set it again before she will be back in the place where she was working. They both agreed which each other. 

      Hours later after they were texting, Jo asked Andrea if what would she wanted to say to him, if it is important or not. Then, Andrea told him that, "Its not very important I just need to see you before il go back to my workplace and I want you to know how much I really care and love you." Jo replied saying "I love you more, Im just sad coz i know for sure your leaving me and you will be very far from me and I don't want that to happen, I tried not to be serious with you coz im just so afraid." 

      Finally, Andrea realized that they don't need to see each other again coz it's all clear to him that Jo isn't that serious to him coz of the reason that Andrea will be far away from him. Even though it hurts so bad but Andrea should look and wait again for the RIGHT guy that would accept and fight for him whatever may happen into her life. Nevertheless, she should be strong enough again and will be choosing Mr. Right with a life starting with forever and ends with never.

      To God be the glory!

Messing Things Up

      April 10th one of the worst and happiest day of my life. Worst because I won't be able to be with my college and high school friends again like what i used to do when im still here in the city where i graduated. Happy because im starting my ever dreamed job and being a professional, working with the course that i graduated for. I decided to volunteer in a hospital, YES you heard it right working without being payed! You may think that i'm a lil bit crazy but im happy with what i've decided. 

     Three months had passed and I can say that i am capable of doing things like what other staff nurses are doing. I can say im working to be an excellent volunteer nurse. 3 weeks before my 4 months work I went back to the city where I graduated to be with my dad's annual check up but my absents were extended for like 3-4 weeks and by that time I was so worried knowing that its not a good sign and im afraid they wont accept me again to work there in that very long absent. So I decided to send a letter to my Chief nurse trying to be formal this time and up to now still waiting for the reply from them.

      I am seriously drained, stressed and worried about what is happening in my life right now. While I am back here in the city I was thinking I should've attended the interview in one of the most popular hospital here. I regret it. I would've do something else here while im processing my student's visa. 

      Finally, I've met a man whom i think could be my distraction when i am here waiting without nothing to do at home. I was so happy with him, talking to my self that i will take it seriously. Yes, i know i've already prepared for it. Im ready to get hurt again. When i told him im applying for a student's visa in Norway. He disagreed, like my dad. He don't want me to travel there coz he will be hurt when im away from him. Days after we've met he told me that he's trying no to be serious with me coz he don't wanna be hurt when i'l be able to study in Norway. 

      Things get clearer to me as time passed by. I cried, I was sad, worried, messed up, all alone. But i know im used to it. All i want is maybe a real distraction for me to forget everything and I  know for sure, this is what i am doing now. I hope i'l be doing fine someday and I hope I could find a man ready to fight for me whatever fucked up situation that'll happen in my life. 

Searching for Mr. Right Chapter 1 (PART 1)

      Well, okay I know I visited again my blog because I have to post a story that is seriously running out in my mind right at this moment. This is the very first story I've ever made.

      A girl that has been LOOKING for a guy finally tried to meet a man who's 8 years older than her. YES! you heard it right LOOKING not WAITING..She can't imagine how strange it is to date with a man who's already in Grade 2 while she was just born in the same year. Amazing right? I know this is a common story but I'll tell you how she feels good when she was with this guy. I'd like to name my characters but I assure you it will be their code names. The girl named Andrea and the Singaporean guy named Jo. 

      These couple met first in a specific social networking site. I wouldn't name it because I should maintain their privacy. Well, at first impression Andrea didn't like Jo because he posted his number on his wall and Andrea feels like he's got a lot of girls but still Andrea clicked YES on him and decided to add Jo. Finally, Andrea was so busy with her work and so she sent Jo a message to just text her whenever Jo's got time because she couldn't go online all the time. Jo then received the message and texted Andrea, then days and weeks passed by they still don't send text messages to each other often.

      One night, Andrea wanted to know how Jo's life is going and she was so curious about him. She texted Jo and she noticed that Jo can't reply that fast and Andrea decided to text him often looking at her phone and wondering why he couldn't reply as fast as she could. Finally, Jo replied saying, that he's a fully matured guy and he don't usually check his phone often like her. Andrea then, was so upset and told Jo that he don't have to be very judgmental. Andrea was just trying to say that she was so interested with Jo and that she don't act the same with what she did when she's with her friends and other guys. Suprisingly, Jo got Andrea's point and decided to just meet up someday. So by then, they will meet up to the city to where Andrea graduated and where Jo works currently. Jo is working in a finance department on a very popular hotel in that city.

      On the last week of July, they finally decided to meet in a popular fast food restaurant. Andrea paid for their food because she owe a lunch and a 20 minute kiss to Jo, that was their conversation and plan before they met up. I know its strange but that came up on their mind when they two were still texting each other. Then, they ate their dinner and went out in the restaurant sitting on the park and getting to know each other for 4 hours. Finally, when they decided to go home. Jo, gave a smack kissed on Andrea beside her lips, then she told him that she still owe him a 20 minute kiss. So , they both decided to go in the car and thinking about where to do that. Andrea's plan was to kiss him in the car but Jo offered to rent a lodge, good thing Andrea didn't react and just said YES. While on their way. Jo asked Andrea why would she agreed to be with him on the lodge then Andrea just replied saying "LIVE YOUR LIFE TO THE FULLEST. Im happy to do it so no one can stop me from doing that unless you disagree. Please don't think that im a bitch because i believe knowing you for like 6 hours, you deserve to have me." YES best line ever! Andrea wanted to just show him how she likes Jo. 

      After that night, they met again deciding to have dinner and watch a movie then sleep again for 3 hours. They were like real couples, walking and holding their hands together. Jo asked Andrea a picture of them together but Andrea refused because she was shy, she felt like Jo was thinking maybe she's got a boyfriend but she doesn't care about that because it isn't true. It's like things happened so fast between them. Ate in a Japanese restaurant together and send text messages as well. 

      On the next couple of days, Jo wasn't able to reply on Andrea's text messages. She was worried because the last message that she received from Jo was that HE IS SAD. She keeps on calling Jo and texted him but Jo's recent behaviour. Andrea was so worried until she realized maybe he was sleeping, dating with another girl thinking that he's kinda alike with the other guys, don't have a credit on his phone, working at home, playing tennis with his friends or maybe worst thing ever to happen  "AVOIDING HER."

       Whatever the reason Andrea is still happy with the experience date with Jo and that she's proud that he's got a lot of first times on him during their date.

1. First time treating the guy on a date

2. First time sitting in the park with a guy on a date

3. First time to eat in a Japanese restaurant with a guy on a date

4. First time that someone ask her to take a photo with them together on a date

5. First time walking in the mall holding each others hand on a date
6. First time giving a massage to a guy on a date

I hope those first times will be followed again and ended up with a fairy tale ending, to be continued..