HIM: that i think i'm HER's :(

      Have you ever tried to stop falling in love because you know for the fact how hard it is to move on?You ever wonder to be happy again with a newly meet person? Do you realized how long you've been struggling for you to forget about your past relationship and then you failed again with your new one?You ever tried waiting for the right person and when you found him you start moving on again? You started moving on again and again if it isn't for you and if isn't the right time for you to fall deeply in love with your perfect guy. I call it perfect guy for i know that every girls would choose the person that would make them complete.

      I've met a man online and he was one of the perfect guy I've known online. I never expected the first day we chatted we kinda like each other and stuffs. I also can't believe that he would be as nice as i was expecting. I can't say bad thing about him for he's just perfectly nice to me. He always remind me of how he likes me and that he's thinking about me all the time. To the point that he wanted to meet me in person but our situation doesn't agreed on what we wanted to happen. I understand how hard it is, especially when we talk via skype, I myself would seriously have to adjust with both of our time difference. He's from Ontario so it's a 12 hour difference. I can feel how hard it is but i always remind myself that this happens for a reason and I am always thankful that after work i can talk to him or message him via facebook and that would help me feel happy and forget about how am i working hard at work. It helps a lot and i feel like stronger for i always have him and i can feel how near he is whenever i read his messages.

            I can still remember the first time we talked via skype that was April 3rd 2012. I was so happy talking to her coz we have a lot of common. We have our own dreams in life but we aim for the same thing and that is to be successful with we dream for. Until such time, I didn't get a message from him. So, was wondering what happened, the day after that he sent me a message saying the internet connection was accidentally broke by his landlord. So, i feel like comfortable knowing that he's fine and he's still there. The day after, he sent me a quick message saying INTERNET IS BACK but 72 hours later i wasn't able to catch him online and wondering again where he is. Then I  sent him a message again then i have no idea that he was online that time he replied that it's kinda difficult to be so far away from me and it's just hard to be away fro so long from someone he cares so much for and yeah that was the last message i received from him .Well I can't blame him from saying that to me for i understand how far we are from each other, until now i still tried to sent him a message saying how much i missed him. I realized after those days we weren't able to talk that I just wanted the truth of how he feels from me now, i just beg him of what he wanted to say on me coz i really don't want him to leave me hanging like i think i am her's.

      I don't want to make this article to have a sad ending, i honestly hate it, I always wanted a happy ending, ever!. But this happened to me and this is the real ending. I couldn't edit it coz i believe that there are people who could drop some comments about this article. I hope so. . 

You think that's a wave of goodbye? 

PERFECT SPOT!!

For a year I have this spot which I would really love to pose every Good Friday. We'll do the 14th Station walk before we can achieve this SPECIAL SPOT that I have been telling you.

This was the first picture taken last April 22, 2011

This is the 2nd pic taken today April 6, 2012

UNFRIEND and BLOCKED!

      Today is my mom's birthday but think I have another thing to figure out. It was a shocking news from my facebook account when I updated it. I was looking for a sample style of a scrub suit and I directly remember one person who wears the same scrub suit that I wanted also to be like mine  when im gonna go duty in ER one of these days.

      Suddenly, when I searched that friend of mine in facebook I was really like speechless for I can't find him in my friend lists. So, I was hoping maybe it was just because of the very slow internet connection. I waited for his name to load and come out of the lists but I wasn't able to see his name.

      By that time I was conviced that he BLOCKED me :). Well, there are only two things that popped out in my head and that is to believe that someone UNFRIEND and BLOCKED me in my facebook account. So now, if someone blocked me should i be very happy so that i can move on? :D or should i be sad because im starting to miss that person already? :(( 

A LIVING UTILITARIAN - A TRIBUTE TO MY GRANDPA "PAPA SUET"- -

SEPTEMBER 9, 2011 this was the day i made this blog post but unfortunately i wasnt able to post it on the same day that i made this because i was on my grandpa's place since..

SEPTEMBER 5, 2011 was the date that i wasn't expecting to be my one of the most unforgetable day in my life..At exactly 4:19am i lost my grandpa in my own watch. . Yes! Im in his room with my cousin and two aunties.. I was sleeping when my Aunt H knocked on my door asking help for my Aunt D was crying looking at my grandpa having difficulty of breathing even with the assistance of an oxygen. I hurriedly checked his vital signs (specifically his respiratory rate, heart rate, and blood  pressure) the result was a normal BP that was around 120/70 and a high RR..Looking at him craving for an air to breath is so hard for me knowing that it's not easy to handle with. Checking his BP again after an hour with the reading of 110/70 which is beyond his usual normal BP gave me two kinds of feeling.. First, im a lil bit happy because its within normal for him and secondly, im kinda suspicious for i know its a borderline that his BP will become lower and lower that i wasn't expecting to be very low with a reading of palpatory 60. While im on my grandpa's room, I and my two Aunties were talking about my grandpa's situation. I was talking to them when i noticed the ball of the regulator already not moving so i double checked it and i was right.. I asked my two Aunties if they manipulated it but they both answered a straight and firm  "NO". So we were wondering what had happened but we just ignored it for our focus is my grandpa.. After all what happened we decided to have a rosary but suddenly my Aunt H noticed that my grandpa was not breathing at all. I hurriedly jump on his bed and checked his carotid pulse and all of his pulse but sadly it's NEGATIVE. I also observed the rise and fall of his stomach but i  did not saw any changes at all. By that time both of my Aunties were crying and i woke up my cousin telling her that our beloved grandpa had just passed away. She woke up crying and i felt sorry for them. I did not cry and i stay strong and relax. From that very moment we called all our cousins and relatives. After calling them we offer a rosary for my grandpa, I was beside him while he was lying on his bed. . After the rosary my cousin and I stayed with him and then by that time my cousin can't stop crying, making it the reason for me to cry like a PIG.. Remembering the memories with him together, from the day that he arrived in my place until the day that he was hospitalized for 4 working days while i was having my review for my nursing board examination, to the day that I finished taking the board examination he was again hospitalized for 9 straight days until the day he was discharged and sent him again to the clinic for his follow up check up twice, to the most frightening day of my life.. From the time that he was very happy hearing the news that he already had a granddaughter that is already a certified registered nurse. I cant even forget the day that i asked him if he can still afford to wait for my first salary and then he answered "Yes I will" I was very happy and glad when i heared it. I know it's a reassurance but at least he tried to make me happy  for a moment amidst of his difficulty of fighting to live, that was my PAPA a very unselfish person, A LIVING UTILITARIAN. While lying on his bed, he was still thinking about his children who doesn't have a family yet knowing that he was away and he can't support them for this was always his role way back when he was still able to work for his family. Until the last time that we talked that he told me not to disturb him because he wanted to concentrate for he can't anymore breath normally and finally by the time that he already ceased breathing.. Thinking that he would still breath for me and for his family. Asking myself for at least to become SELFISH this time. . Selfish for i still want him to breath, to live, and to wait for the right time until his children and grandchildren will be on his side. But i realized that my grandpa was so tired that he even told us that he was, the day before he just passed away.  I know it's hard for me and my family to accept the fact but in God's time He will decide when will our lives will end up. Me and my family must be grieving now for the lost of my grandfather but let's NOT all think that this is the end of our journey in life.. i know that its not the same going home in his place without him but i want them to stay strong like what PAPA showed to us and show to him that we all love each other despite of the hardships and difficulties in life and i am still hoping really hoping that we'll still be happy celebrating holidays and special days in our lives even without him for i do believe that PAPA will be very happy if our family will continue to be happy too. I pray for your journey in HEAVEN my beloved PAPA. .  We will always cherish the memories and the good things you taught us. We'll bring all the learnings that we learned from you and surely we'll pass those learnings to your grandchildren someday. You will always be a LIVING UTILITARIAN FOR US. Godbless and rest in peace PAPA!!

GOODBYE FOR NOW?or GOODBYE FOREVER?

      For the very last time maybe i should let him go coz i know that he’s OBVIOUSLY letting me go0o.. Letting me go to the fact that he dumped me, he gave me up, he leaves me speechless , he leaves me hanging, he tortured my heart, he definitely killed me emotionally..

      After all i wanna say sorry for what i told to your PRINCESS in my previous blog post. I wanna apologize too for the few words that are so intimidating to hear. I know im not perfect and i am so aware about what had happened to me , i get depressed thats why i was so ANGRY that time and i felt like i've experienced a PHYSICAL PAIN, (BINGO!! both were signs of being DEPRESSED!)

     It just happened that maybe you dunno how to control my emotions of how to deal with the problems in your LIFE, that is why you did it to me , YOU LEAVE ME :[ (CRAP! why am i always defending you? and why im always  protecting you, for you not to be hated by others? Do i still LOVE you? or MAYBE this is just an effect of trying to get your attention as a part of my defense mechanism?)

      Talking to my BLOG again is not an easy job!! (is it a job?). Well, it's just similar in facebook that it is the only NORMAL way that you post in a WALL or the only WALL that you can express all of what you feel.. BUT! believe me, it can HELP! that if you will ask me about it.. You can have an alternatives, you can read books, talk to someone in person or maybe through call and text, all of the mentioned items are already done by me . Wo0o0ohh! CONGRATULATIONS!

      Now, here i am! really did all the best way on how to move on but didnt even have a progress even in the first step . . CAN YOU HELP ME ? is this what im goin to ask for myself? or to other people.. CAN YOU HELP ME PINKY or CAN SOMEBODY HELP ME? what the?? im being crazy!!! Maybe , i wasn’t able to move on because YES!! i mean it. (I STILL DUN WANNA MOVE ON or shuld i say I STILL LOVE HIM ) that im still holding on to him :((

      IM SORRY BUT STILL I CAN’T LET YOU GO:(( but im not gonna force my self to you again, maybe i shud go by myself i shud forget u and be ISOLATED forever in your life so that i will NOT be the REASON for the break up of your PRINCESS…

GOODBYE FOR NOW?

NOPE!!! it shud be ..  GOODBYE FOREVER!!